Do you ever jump to conclusions? When someone says something, you immediately think, “They’re so annoying and they’re doing this just to annoy me!” or when someone does something you think “they’re such a jerk. They’re just trying to make my life difficult.”
The problem with this thinking is that if it’s something you need to address with that person, you’re going to stomp in with guns blazing, demanding an apology, or you’re going to go in on the attack, and you’re probably not going to phrase things in a way that will entice the person to help you solve whatever problem their words/behavior has created.
You’re actually going to make it worse. Oops!
So if you want to solve the problem that’s been created, and build a long-term working relationship with this person, ya might want to hit the pause button and examine the story you’re telling yourself.
When you hit that pause button….try this. (with the hopes of getting something other than a defensive response from the other person.) Here’s how it works. First we look at what happened.
- They did the thing.
- You thought “JERK! They’re being difficult! They should know better.” (or whatever)
- You got angry!
The emotion follows the thinking, so consider what you’re thinking about what they did or said. And question #1, is that a fact? Do I KNOW, 100% sure, true fact, no doubt that what I'm thinking matches their side of the story?
A lot of times, the answer is no, I don’t know 100% for sure what’s going on with them. It may seem like what I think, and I may believe it really hard, but there could in some far off alternative universe be another explanation.
Then comes the key question.
How else could I explain what they did/said?
It takes some emotional fortitude to do this, especially if you were hurt/offended/angered by what they did/said, but by stopping for a minute and considering other options, you’ll be able to approach the situation in a way that they’re more likely to listen and help you solve the problem.
So give it a shot! This is a pivotal part of emotional intelligence, examining the stories we’re telling ourselves, and as my friend and fellow speaker Jess Pettit says, “Leave room in the margin for edits to that story.” Then you’ll be able to approach the situation with curiosity, rather than animosity. (We'll talk about that concept more in a few weeks!)
Oh, and for the record...maybe they were being a jerk all along, but at least there’s only one jerk in the room, instead of 2.
UNPAUSE and GOOD LUCK!
