As I waited for her to come around the corner, I felt terrible.
She had been trying to get on the show for 10 years. She finally got on, and she hadn't won a trip, a car, or a massive amount of money. She hit bankrupt twice, and guessed one of the puzzles wrong. I felt terrible for her. I braced myself for her disappointment. I thought, 'how can I be a great friend to her in this sad moment'. Let me back up for a sec...you see, 10 days earlier, I got this text from a good friend:
"What are you doing on 2/24? I'm going to be on Wheel of Fortune, and you're the only person who I know who might be able to jump on a plane to CA on such short notice to be in the audience for me."
First I googled whether Wheel of Fortune was even still on the air and was amazed to find that it is, and Pat and Vanna are still the stars. WHAAAT? They've been on since I was "in short pants" as my dad would say. (I'm writing this in shorts...but it was way longer ago than today.)
The days were available on my calendar, I found a cheap/direct flight to LA...the stars aligned! I was headed to see Pat and Vanna! ADVENTURE!!!
And now, taping is done, I'm standing in the lobby of the Sony studio, photos of Vanna White's audition, and Pat Sajak at Sea World on the wall next to me, desperately disappointed for my friend. She wanted this so bad, and she wasn't walking away empty handed, but she hadn't won her episode.
I saw the other contestants start to file into the lobby, and put on my best "I feel your pain girl" face, ready to say all the things to her to try to make her feel better. I even had chocolate!
She came around the corner and ran at me with a huge grin on her face, eyes twinkling, and grabbed me in a huge hug. "THAT WAS SO MUCH FUN!" and then she put her arm around a fellow contestant. "This is Debbie, she's from Des Moines, and she is here with her husband and son, we're going to dinner tonight and we're going to all get together on zoom and watch our episodes when they come out!"
Then Debbie tugged my friend away to meet her family and I stood there feeling like an idiot.
I had defined her success as winning.
She defined success as participating.
If I had enacted "Operation-Make-Her-Feel-Better-Because-She-Didn't-Win", I would have cast a negative light on this experience that was a massive success in her mind.
I saw it at a kid's birthday party one time. One of the party-go-ers hit the pinata and it didn't break. Then the hitter ran to a friend and said "DID YOU SEE HOW HARD I SMACKED IT?" and then ran to tell his dad, who, with all good intentions, knelt down and said "Sorry it didn't break buddy. Maybe you will hit it better next time." I watched all the energy and joy whoosh out of the kid like an untied balloon.
Or the time a new sales person perfectly executed the sales script on their very first call, and turned to the trainer who said "Sorry that didn't work...maybe they'll buy it next time." when the sales person thought the point was to practice the script.
How often do we do that? We inflict our own standards and definition of success on someone else's experience, and at the very least are misaligned with the other people and at the worst, we darken something they may have thought was a perfectly great experience.
Emotional Intelligence is one of the key factors of success in someone's career (and in their life!) and being aware of how your actions/reactions impact the people around you is one of the main foundations of EQ. Pay attention to how your definition of success or someone's needs may not align with theirs, and check yourself before you wreck yourself, and the relationship/motivation/influence with that person!
Go get 'em Tiger! (and watch Wheel of Fortune next week on ABC. You probably won't see me but if you hear clapping...that's me!)
