Why is Change so hard?
This is a question I commonly ask in my change keynotes and workshops. It’s usually followed by a few groans and some really good answers. But this past week someone loudly exclaimed, “It’s not hard when I want the change!” The audience laughed, and that seemed like a fair statement…but it’s actually not true.
A commonly cited study followed 7,519 adults across multiple countries who had experienced a major cardiac event (MI, stroke, or other coronary heart disease). Despite the severity of their condition, only about 50% quit smoking, about 39% ate healthier food, and 35% increased exercise. 4.3% made all those changes, leaving a substantial portion of the group that made no lifestyle changes. Their lives depended on these changes…and a large portion did not change. (you can read more about that study here.)
Think about weight loss! How many of us have been able to make THAT stick? (if you just defensively said “I did!” then congratulations. You’re in the minority.
How we communicate, self-improvement learning, healthy eating, even change we choose takes work and discomfort.
So how do we increase our chances of making desired change stick?
The secret to the ability to stick with a program and get more consistent results is to set goals that move us towards something rather than away from something.
From Dreading Work to Loving the Workplace
Let’s start with a common scenario; being stuck in a job that you feel sucks the life out of you. The natural reaction is to want to run away, to escape the place that makes you dread every Monday morning. (and Tuesday morning and Wednesday morning and…) So, it makes sense that many people would set the goal, “I don’t want to work here anymore,” but framing a goal this way focuses on what you’re going away from. Instead, imagine reframing the goal as, “I want to find a job that makes me feel fulfilled and appreciated.” This subtle shift opens a world of possibility.
By focusing on what you’re moving towards, a job that energizes and fulfills you, you begin to identify what matters to you: the kind of work, the company culture, the values, and the opportunities for growth, or whatever. The search becomes about discovery and excitement rather than dread and avoidance. When you’re moving toward something meaningful, you’re more likely to persist even when things get tough. In the end, it’s not just about leaving a job you hate; it’s about building a career you love, and you just might find what you’re looking for is closer than you think.
Transforming Health Goals: Beyond “Losing Weight”
Let’s take our health goals. I don’t know about you, but mine often is, “I want to lose 30 lbs.” or “I want to stop feeling tired all the time.” but again, that’s what I’m moving away from. How about this? “I want to feel strong and energetic every day,” or, “I want to train for and run a 5K” or “I want to look spectacular in these pants!” How does that feel? Better, right? More motivating! It focuses on what you’re gaining!
Building Better Relationships: Focusing on Connection
Try this one… “I don’t want to fight with my partner anymore.” A great goal, but it’s moving away from something.
“I want to create a more connected and joyful relationship with my partner.” Feel that? Better, right?
When the aim is connection rather than mere avoidance of conflict, your actions will shift. You’re more likely to make time for regular date nights, prioritize open, courageous communication, or throw them some gratitude. The energy goes into building something positive, and the relationship naturally becomes more resilient and satisfying.
Choosing Change That Lasts
The difference between moving away from discomfort and moving toward a desired future is more than just semantics. It’s a fundamental change in mindset that will precipitate a difference in behavior and result in much more sustainable motivation. Goals rooted in positive aspiration encourage us to imagine, plan, and act from a place of hope and possibility, rather than fear and avoidance. Whether it’s your career, your health, or your relationships, try reframing your next goal to focus on where you’re going, not just what you want to escape. You might be surprised at how much easier and more lasting your change becomes. Go get ‘em Tiger!
